i'm breaking i'm breaking

........
The ash fault beneath us streams by as the sordid rubber grips and spins..
there's music in the speakers but I wasn't listening.
I know it would be one of “our” songs. One of the many that bring us to laughter and send us into memories.
Your not looking at me again. And I know something is wrong. I wont ask. I'll wait and let you take your small steps towards telling me. Because you like it that way.
And that news. When you finally gave it. Brought our little world in our beaten corolla on our middle-of-nowhere roads, crashing around us.
Nothing bad. Oh no. but something different.. and things had to change now.
Your eyes were telling me things your lips weren't willing to spill. And I knew this was it.
When we were little we'd light a candle on new years. To signify our friendship burning on.
2008 we didn't. 2009 we didn't.
I didn't know how you had become this.. self centred, egotistic, stranger.
We were close once. I leaned on you and you leaned on me. And all the things you said hadn't mattered then because I knew you never meant a word.
Then I wasn't so sure.




In two weeks you've come back to us.
Friday you smiled, poked out your tongue and laughed. Three things your mouth had all but forgotten to do.
Sunday you hugged me when no one else came. You told me it would be alright, and I marvelled that things were changing so fast yet again.
Thursday you were willing to call at a moments notice, I didn't even have to ask. Who are you now?
Your back. I hope. But I don't know.

Just as I was going to leave..

So here's the Q. can I make myself walk away from the one thing id longed for so many times? The return of my friend? Well I have time now..
I'm walking on eggshells with you, my tongue firmly held between my teeth. And I'm breathing hard in anticipation of what you might do next.
But I already know don't I?
You'll walk by my side neither closer nor further away. Arm outstretched and let me take my tiny steps back to you. Because I like it that way.
Now that your back I guess I can't go. I've gone for escape and was snatched back by the scruff of my neck. And it was you who did it again. It's always been you.
I don't think I mind any more..

who am i to say?

& so here we go again.
Every once in a while. You and I, we restart our cycle.
This time its only me.

I sit alone on the rooftops, without you. Only the stars and the one street lamp for company. And the heaviness you left behind you in the air.. its fragile, this peace I keep seeking. The whole empty space stretched above me, no longer filled with your heartbeats and our laughter..
fragile..
so easily broken.
I feel a bit like that sometimes. Like tonight, I whisper as if a loud noise will shatter this.. us.

.. turning to my side and not finding you there.. and I never feel so alone.
Its funny how one night can change the world.. we walked streets I didn't know, not my pambula beach.. nor your long empty middle of nowhere..
and I was scared.. because even surrounded by them.. I was alone..

when the only warmth is our misty breath and rubbed palms. When we put our arms around us and each other and sing away the numbness, when the stars and the full moon light the gravel road and the neighbours dogs start to bark. You'll find me there.
When the dizziness is elation instead of alcohol, and the whispers are joy not pain, there, you'll find me.

& when the place of return is not the place of regret, when the music is ours and the night is ours and the stars are welcoming not lonely. When the cold bite and wet grass, when the stumbles and bare feet are familiar again.. ill find you.

Seven days, one week.. 14 th june..
I spin you pretty words and the world looks on.. and judges me.
I hope you remember me like I remember you..