Speak to me in the light of the dawn -glowing radience

........
& it's life & it's steps & it's heart wrenching heart breaking heart achingly

BEAUTIFUL

These past few weeks I've grown and learnt and loved and been hurt and picked up and spun around and broken and wept and glowed and healed and held in him and told “just hush”.
In icecream fairy lanterns early summer spring rain salt tears radiance disappointment bible passages C.S Lewis new leaves seaglass Shakespeare & hugs.
When old pain becomes new beginnings. When old love becomes healing. When strength becomes revival.
[Becoming Bee.]

“and you bite your tongue and you clench your fists and you feel the tears forming and u keep walking without daring to turn around....
because its dark and raining and your future is beside you....you just let him walk by though you never get to see him.
and he means nothing to your future,
he kept walking in silence and you kept walking screaming inside how ITS ALL FOR THE BEST!!!! ITS MEANT TO BE LIKE THIS! ITS WORTH THE PAIN!!!
and you tell yourself it wasn't him and you wont even try and pretend it doesn't matter coz oh man does it matter to you!
but that's a step forward and an acknowledgement that things are better left unsaid because you're both still alive and time has passed between you that you
cant get back.
and you want to throw your arms around him and hug him and show him everything that you are in this darkness but that would do no good.
and you want to cry but you're not down and out by any means-just different.
and you just want to run until you collapse and its all a dream but its not.”

When he walked I thought that was it and our separate ways was the right way to go and stay.
But God gave us second chances.
& I missed our friendship. & we fought side by side & I'm so so very proud of all we've done & all we've become, together & apart.
So when you leave keep it in you. So when you take your path & I take mine remember the lessons & remember the good times & don't just let me go.

& she seems to think I don't love her like I love the others but babe. Jesska babe.
Without you these last few weeks would never had been worth the pain.
& that means the whole world to me that you were there always & forever. Jus like bestfriends should be.
I don't always agree with you but i've been there and know the feelings. & sweetheart I love watchin ya grow so don't stunt it k? haha

& things with sunshine are hard hard hard and hurt and tear and rip me up. & I came close so close to saying ENOUGH to saying I CAN NOT handle it any more!
Had my hand on the door and was ready just to [walk] out.
But you have your hand only my shoulder and a light in your eyes that should be a warning but just makes me want to hold you.
& It's my turn, always & forever. Cos I can handle it. And if my love is as real as I know then it will come around again when it's ready & so I'm not mad like I probably should be. & I hope desperately one day you will turn to me and say “I understand. I get why you fought tooth and nail I get why you held on. Cos it IS beyond real.”

The steps I have taken have left you behind me in the dust. & I feel confident and happy and brave and strong, but fragile and lonely and tentative. I'm walking with head held high BREATHLESS.
Because I don't want to be [stagnant] or [settled]
Because the world him and I dream up is real real real and we can make it ours.
& I'll walk with both arms outstretched, waiting for [them] and I know in time they will find their ways back to me and to the place I'm at.
But right now I can't wait for anybody. I'm on the move and I'm growing step after beautiful bitter-sweet step.
Finally I'm walking without support. Finally my baby steps are confident strides.
Towards a future of infinite possibility

her tears like diamonds on the floor

........
Today we watched a movie on car crashes.. and all the bells were ringing and all the pictures were unfurling in me.
And I couldn't breath so I put my head down and shut it out and tried hard not to loose it.
& it ended after what seemed like forever.
I walked out put in my headphones and waited.

For anything.

And when something came.. it wasn't what I needed. It was more of what I've been getting.
More pain, and hurt, and bitchiness and selfishness and more of this new person. Who never was and can't be, the person I know and love.

So who are you? Cos your not my sunshine..

I've been asked before why I say that. There has been times when my world has seemed dark.
And there's a few people who would come in with their bright smiles and love and laughter who could just make me feel great. Mostly you. And the darkness would fade away..

[like my own personal sunshine]

But you don't seem to care. Cos all you were and you we are now.. is breaking my heart.
You say you don't see it. You tell our oldest friends that I pushed you into it? How could I ever force you to like him.. it doesn't make sense.

And it's made out like its all just tension and rudeness but I don't think you see how much your breaking me.
Cos I can't hardly sleep (more then usual) and I was getting better with that.
Cos I can't breath cos you're like this.
And I'm one more personal attack from falling apart and I'm a few steps closer to walking away from you and I.

& i'm not playing the “my problems are bigger then yours” card cos that's stupid and petty and wrong, and everyone has a story, a lesson they've learned and a low...which i think is highly respectable....and everyone is important....so why try and make your story more important by fabricating it?? ...any hurt is a big thing....no one should underestimate that....
But a boy was never a good enough excuse with me.. so why is it with you?
Why are you allowed to treat me like this, because “there's stuff going on”
& babe plenty of stuff has gone down and i've never felt the need to take it out on you.

But what hurts the most. When I say I think you've compromised your morals & tell you how that hurts me, and you use the words “i don't care about anything else what have I done where i've done that?” so essentially you care more about accusations, therefore what people see and hear about you, then how you make your friends feel.
&thats just fucked up.

So when I break and don't come to class and sit outside cos I just-dont-think-i-can-breath-right-now.
So when I'm lost and insecure cos the one person I trusted with all my heart and one of the two people I love most in the world and the one I thought would never do this.. goes right ahead and does it without a second thought.
.. so when she can't even look at me..

where will this end?



The pain that never hides,
A reflection from inside
She conceals the message, buries her head,
Tells herself she's fine