I'm sitting alone in the study, in the dark..
Trying to drown out the sound of my family at each others throats, by playing music. Really loud.
And it strikes me that this is my life.
I've never been able to escape it. I always end up in a dark corner hands over my ears screaming “lalala I CANT HEAR YOU”
and pretending I'm still sane. Still alright. Still alive.
But i'm not..
I'm choking. Quietly, so as not to disturb anyone else.
It's been my fault for so long I've forgotten what it's like to be blameless.
And once again a car door slams and another person drives out of my life.
Happy birthday..
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
change change change
last summer
i broke
sunsets
across your horizon.
i stopped
to see
my face
in tidal pools,
tore lines
from books
and made this my own:
(you are not invisible);
i learned.
i broke
sunsets
across your horizon.
i stopped
to see
my face
in tidal pools,
tore lines
from books
and made this my own:
(you are not invisible);
i learned.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
when i live
last night I was sleeping in paddocks, watching stars collide and praying until my heart got sore.
You know how when you cry enough your eyes ache? And when you shake enough your mucles ache? Well when your praying and crying and shaking your heart aches.
But thats okay.
Because I'm real. Baby I am real.
I've learnt three new things about myself.
I cannot eat sleep or make sense when I'm stressed.
I run, when things get to much I stop going to school for five days and hide in my room with the lights out the curtains pulled shut and tears in my heart.
I'm a control freak. Not the oh noes that thing must go there kind, but the, dammit if im going down im going down in style kind.
Because I think if I can't dictate what happens in my life, it freaks me out.
Hello basis of all my problems.
If I've got a strangle hold on control then I'm hardly giving all for god.
I'm far from fixed but I'm working on it.
And it would seem I'm working myself back into Bee.
And if you know me well you know what that means. But basically i”m beginning to think it's me when I'm making things work and moving forward and taking steps. And at any other times i may be on the right path but standing there.
So welcome back bee, and say hello to summer. Baby it's my time of year. The time when I'm stronger and brighter and once again baby. I am REAL.
........
i.
i am sleeping in the middle of wheat fields.
i am curled into the soil with the sun filtering through my eyelids and the warmth of the earth pressed against my hip. i am holding my stomach with gentle hands, lips parted to breathe in the sweet air. i am dreaming of feathers running down my spine and of blowing bubbles while running down sloping hills. i am dreaming of kisses at dawn and hands cradling my cheek and laughing over coffee with my best friend.
and when i wake, i am tranquil and serene and peaceful.
and when i wake, i am alive.
ii.
i am swimming in the belly of the ocean.
i am twisting in the clever hands of her currents, my hair roping around my waist and seashells trailing up my thigh. i am swallowing saltwater and rinsing out my lungs, letting my sins filter through my skin and disperse into the curling water. i am breathing through gills around my throat and letting my fingers paint symphonies in the seaweed. i am dancing with starbright scales and forgetting the weight of air.
and when i climb onto the shore, i am light-hearted and joyful and forgiven.
and when i climb onto the shore, i am alive.
iii.
i am running down a moonlit dirt road.
i am drowning in the echo of my bare feet muffled against the ground, the echo of my pulse beating in the air around me. i am shedding my skin as i go, leaving it behind so i can breathe with a newness that is whole and aware and so beautifully complete. i am pitching myself into a wild yonder, smiling until my cheeks hurt, my hair streaming like a proud banner behind me as i go. i am alone but i am not lonely at all.
and when i come to a stop, i am out of breath and out of hate and out of doubts.
and when i come to a stop, i am alive.
You know how when you cry enough your eyes ache? And when you shake enough your mucles ache? Well when your praying and crying and shaking your heart aches.
But thats okay.
Because I'm real. Baby I am real.
I've learnt three new things about myself.
I cannot eat sleep or make sense when I'm stressed.
I run, when things get to much I stop going to school for five days and hide in my room with the lights out the curtains pulled shut and tears in my heart.
I'm a control freak. Not the oh noes that thing must go there kind, but the, dammit if im going down im going down in style kind.
Because I think if I can't dictate what happens in my life, it freaks me out.
Hello basis of all my problems.
If I've got a strangle hold on control then I'm hardly giving all for god.
I'm far from fixed but I'm working on it.
And it would seem I'm working myself back into Bee.
And if you know me well you know what that means. But basically i”m beginning to think it's me when I'm making things work and moving forward and taking steps. And at any other times i may be on the right path but standing there.
So welcome back bee, and say hello to summer. Baby it's my time of year. The time when I'm stronger and brighter and once again baby. I am REAL.
........
i.
i am sleeping in the middle of wheat fields.
i am curled into the soil with the sun filtering through my eyelids and the warmth of the earth pressed against my hip. i am holding my stomach with gentle hands, lips parted to breathe in the sweet air. i am dreaming of feathers running down my spine and of blowing bubbles while running down sloping hills. i am dreaming of kisses at dawn and hands cradling my cheek and laughing over coffee with my best friend.
and when i wake, i am tranquil and serene and peaceful.
and when i wake, i am alive.
ii.
i am swimming in the belly of the ocean.
i am twisting in the clever hands of her currents, my hair roping around my waist and seashells trailing up my thigh. i am swallowing saltwater and rinsing out my lungs, letting my sins filter through my skin and disperse into the curling water. i am breathing through gills around my throat and letting my fingers paint symphonies in the seaweed. i am dancing with starbright scales and forgetting the weight of air.
and when i climb onto the shore, i am light-hearted and joyful and forgiven.
and when i climb onto the shore, i am alive.
iii.
i am running down a moonlit dirt road.
i am drowning in the echo of my bare feet muffled against the ground, the echo of my pulse beating in the air around me. i am shedding my skin as i go, leaving it behind so i can breathe with a newness that is whole and aware and so beautifully complete. i am pitching myself into a wild yonder, smiling until my cheeks hurt, my hair streaming like a proud banner behind me as i go. i am alone but i am not lonely at all.
and when i come to a stop, i am out of breath and out of hate and out of doubts.
and when i come to a stop, i am alive.
Monday, October 26, 2009
how long will you be gone for,,
........
There's distance in the air, static between me and the world & that bird? Well I'm sorry but it's dead.
Dawn still brings frost like your eyes, the air's still bitter and cold with bite as strong as any of your words.. and summer seems so very reluctant to break this rudely lingering winter..
There was strong winds last night. Slanted rain wrought with tumbling leaves. And when I woke the dandelions had lost their heads.. one again I was one of them,, just a thin stem with all my hopes and dreams fuzzed around me, ready to blow away at someone's careless mercy.
My minds playing tricks on me, no that wasn't a sliding door, there's no car in my driveway and the lullaby in the back of my thoughts, is most definitely not your voice in my kitchen. Why am I on edge?
i am breathing for the urge to tell you something beautiful
but i, the ever-scared lion,
shudder in my sheets..
sunday. Oh god I what I would do for a neverending week of sundays.
Of hope and passion and heartfelt worship. Of renewal. Revival and revolutions.
Of breif reprise before sailing back into six days for them.
I shouldn't complain, I adore my life, I wake up with dreams of flying.
I soar into my days with beautiful people and moments. With small hours in the evening to be silent with you.
But these days I'm biting my cheeks to keep from talking, my teeth are on edge and my hands are shaking.
I feel the need to escape more and more often and find myself resenting when she tears me back to the here and now, searching for reasurance. No nothings wrong. Nothing I could speak or express.
Nothing I could put a name to.
But deep dark and secret.. something is very very wrong.
And I go to sleep everynight knowing full well I am yet to sprout a set of wings..
I'm dehydrated with water in my lungs.
The moon is waxing and waning, with no sign of an end..
to these bitter cold and empty nights..
There's distance in the air, static between me and the world & that bird? Well I'm sorry but it's dead.
Dawn still brings frost like your eyes, the air's still bitter and cold with bite as strong as any of your words.. and summer seems so very reluctant to break this rudely lingering winter..
There was strong winds last night. Slanted rain wrought with tumbling leaves. And when I woke the dandelions had lost their heads.. one again I was one of them,, just a thin stem with all my hopes and dreams fuzzed around me, ready to blow away at someone's careless mercy.
My minds playing tricks on me, no that wasn't a sliding door, there's no car in my driveway and the lullaby in the back of my thoughts, is most definitely not your voice in my kitchen. Why am I on edge?
i am breathing for the urge to tell you something beautiful
but i, the ever-scared lion,
shudder in my sheets..
sunday. Oh god I what I would do for a neverending week of sundays.
Of hope and passion and heartfelt worship. Of renewal. Revival and revolutions.
Of breif reprise before sailing back into six days for them.
I shouldn't complain, I adore my life, I wake up with dreams of flying.
I soar into my days with beautiful people and moments. With small hours in the evening to be silent with you.
But these days I'm biting my cheeks to keep from talking, my teeth are on edge and my hands are shaking.
I feel the need to escape more and more often and find myself resenting when she tears me back to the here and now, searching for reasurance. No nothings wrong. Nothing I could speak or express.
Nothing I could put a name to.
But deep dark and secret.. something is very very wrong.
And I go to sleep everynight knowing full well I am yet to sprout a set of wings..
I'm dehydrated with water in my lungs.
The moon is waxing and waning, with no sign of an end..
to these bitter cold and empty nights..
Sunday, October 11, 2009
an appeal for sleep and reason
no other way - jack johnson
........
There's still sand in my hair and driftwood in my pockets of my favourite shorts.
And footprints still wind silent paths across our beach, do you ever wonder if you follow them will their owner be waiting at the end? I can never find out because one persons tracks are swollowed by the tide or trampled by others. Do you think somehow we can feel it when our trails are cut off? Or are those emotions left forgotten, far behind on sunshine days in past summertimes..
-
We are healing, there's no denying that. But sunshine I think sometimes our healing is bruising and scar tissue, and I don't have the right words to cut that out before our hearts stop. When we go away, I want to send you postcards every wednesday [both our birthdays are on one] that tell you all the things I should have said, and they'll all have a picture of waterfalls or beaches on them [we were always happiest there.] But I don't know if I will ever send them, or if they'll ever carry a return address, maybe they'll lay in a shoebox of photographs I can't look at for heartbreak. Full to the brim of collected shells and god moments. but I like to think that I wont need them, because i'll be able to tell you myself.
when your mind is a mess, so is mine, I can't sleep. 'cause it hurts when I think.
My thoughts aren't at peace with the plans that we make.
Chances we take, they're, not yours and not mine.there's waves that can break,
All the words that we say, & the words that we mean, words can fall short. can't see the unseen,
'Cause the world is awake. for somebody's sake now, please close, your eyes.
Please get some sleep.
-
Hello, you are two years gone. i still look for your face wherever i go, mentally bruising myself and pinching my nerves for it.
i shouldn't say i do- then again, i shouldn't still be feeling. I shouldn't still be here – then again. You should have left two years ago. This never would have happened. Better or worse?
I would have been without. So very much. Two years of insanity and confusion, and caring.
I wouldn't be where I am, who I am, alive and real and living and loving and being everything I can and can't be. I ask myself sometimes, if I'm happy this way, and sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I really get sad and hurt and slip. The difference is I can stand and brush the dust off and take it in stride. I can smile and be honest-to-god happy. I didn't get here by myself. But I did. And don't ask me to explain, because I will.
you were so real to me,
i will never forget that
but at times i wish i would.
[& i cry now because it
feels like your already gone]
Well too much silence can be misleading
You're drifting I can hear it in the way that your breathing
We don't really need to find reason
Cause out the same door that it came well its leaving its leaving
Leaving like a day that's done and part of a season
Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves
But at least we can sleep, its all that we need
When we wake we will find
Our minds will be free to go to sleep
-
i wish more than i love you - that i could save you.
i know i can, please just let me.
you are beautiful, please don't tell me you're not. your heart may be broken, but it is in a thousand of the right places. i need you to pause your breath and tune to my frequency. because i’m throwing my heart on the airwaves and i need you to be alive to hear it. i need you to follow my words even when they’re stumbling, tripping, falling on their face. Because I know you think you don't fit.. but baby we love you.. doesn't that matter more? I want to wrap you in words, give you everything I know, then hold you and tell you no one matters. And kiss your cheeks so you smile and don't cry.
I think I might need you, more then you know.
Take comfort in that.
And know that if I knew
All of the answers I would
Not hold them from you'd
Know all the things that i'd know
........
There's still sand in my hair and driftwood in my pockets of my favourite shorts.
And footprints still wind silent paths across our beach, do you ever wonder if you follow them will their owner be waiting at the end? I can never find out because one persons tracks are swollowed by the tide or trampled by others. Do you think somehow we can feel it when our trails are cut off? Or are those emotions left forgotten, far behind on sunshine days in past summertimes..
-
We are healing, there's no denying that. But sunshine I think sometimes our healing is bruising and scar tissue, and I don't have the right words to cut that out before our hearts stop. When we go away, I want to send you postcards every wednesday [both our birthdays are on one] that tell you all the things I should have said, and they'll all have a picture of waterfalls or beaches on them [we were always happiest there.] But I don't know if I will ever send them, or if they'll ever carry a return address, maybe they'll lay in a shoebox of photographs I can't look at for heartbreak. Full to the brim of collected shells and god moments. but I like to think that I wont need them, because i'll be able to tell you myself.
when your mind is a mess, so is mine, I can't sleep. 'cause it hurts when I think.
My thoughts aren't at peace with the plans that we make.
Chances we take, they're, not yours and not mine.there's waves that can break,
All the words that we say, & the words that we mean, words can fall short. can't see the unseen,
'Cause the world is awake. for somebody's sake now, please close, your eyes.
Please get some sleep.
-
Hello, you are two years gone. i still look for your face wherever i go, mentally bruising myself and pinching my nerves for it.
i shouldn't say i do- then again, i shouldn't still be feeling. I shouldn't still be here – then again. You should have left two years ago. This never would have happened. Better or worse?
I would have been without. So very much. Two years of insanity and confusion, and caring.
I wouldn't be where I am, who I am, alive and real and living and loving and being everything I can and can't be. I ask myself sometimes, if I'm happy this way, and sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I really get sad and hurt and slip. The difference is I can stand and brush the dust off and take it in stride. I can smile and be honest-to-god happy. I didn't get here by myself. But I did. And don't ask me to explain, because I will.
you were so real to me,
i will never forget that
but at times i wish i would.
[& i cry now because it
feels like your already gone]
Well too much silence can be misleading
You're drifting I can hear it in the way that your breathing
We don't really need to find reason
Cause out the same door that it came well its leaving its leaving
Leaving like a day that's done and part of a season
Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves
But at least we can sleep, its all that we need
When we wake we will find
Our minds will be free to go to sleep
-
i wish more than i love you - that i could save you.
i know i can, please just let me.
you are beautiful, please don't tell me you're not. your heart may be broken, but it is in a thousand of the right places. i need you to pause your breath and tune to my frequency. because i’m throwing my heart on the airwaves and i need you to be alive to hear it. i need you to follow my words even when they’re stumbling, tripping, falling on their face. Because I know you think you don't fit.. but baby we love you.. doesn't that matter more? I want to wrap you in words, give you everything I know, then hold you and tell you no one matters. And kiss your cheeks so you smile and don't cry.
I think I might need you, more then you know.
Take comfort in that.
And know that if I knew
All of the answers I would
Not hold them from you'd
Know all the things that i'd know
Monday, October 5, 2009
imsorry. im just hurt cos .yourneverthere.
Sunshine you have thunder in your eyes and
lighting in your veins.
Your words taste like blood in the back of my throat, bitter metallic and laced with venom. Your fingers are turning pages with pictures fading to grey. And my world is falling intertwined within them. I'm looking through kaleidoscopes trying to see colours. And your laughing because I'm doing it all so wrong.
I'm two steps forward, one shot back. And a night of regret because I want to feel alive again. Your hair is as long as the weeks I have been sick. I haven't told you yet. Your eyes will sparkle and you'll take it with a joke, and tell me I'm not sick enough. For you.
The machines that helped me breath, rattle like an everlasting cold in my bones. Standing hurt like wildfire, I set my teeth and fought. For him. For you. Powdered tears because I dried mine all up, and he calls me amazing. I'm no hero, I did what I had to..
Take my heartstrings, braid them through my vertebrae, stab me in the back. Your fingertips will trace my spine, moving in-out of the broken bones, playing hopscotch between slumped shoulders.
Coward, because I avoid your innocent eyes, naivety is no excuse..
Darling there's bile in my mind and
static in my veins.
I found myself on his shoulder crying, I'm not as ugly as she treats me, I'm not as ugly..
And doubting every word..
lighting in your veins.
Your words taste like blood in the back of my throat, bitter metallic and laced with venom. Your fingers are turning pages with pictures fading to grey. And my world is falling intertwined within them. I'm looking through kaleidoscopes trying to see colours. And your laughing because I'm doing it all so wrong.
I'm two steps forward, one shot back. And a night of regret because I want to feel alive again. Your hair is as long as the weeks I have been sick. I haven't told you yet. Your eyes will sparkle and you'll take it with a joke, and tell me I'm not sick enough. For you.
The machines that helped me breath, rattle like an everlasting cold in my bones. Standing hurt like wildfire, I set my teeth and fought. For him. For you. Powdered tears because I dried mine all up, and he calls me amazing. I'm no hero, I did what I had to..
Take my heartstrings, braid them through my vertebrae, stab me in the back. Your fingertips will trace my spine, moving in-out of the broken bones, playing hopscotch between slumped shoulders.
Coward, because I avoid your innocent eyes, naivety is no excuse..
Darling there's bile in my mind and
static in my veins.
I found myself on his shoulder crying, I'm not as ugly as she treats me, I'm not as ugly..
And doubting every word..
Friday, October 2, 2009
all is nothing.. without you
father, you know who i am
i am the girl falling asleep headfirst on top of the covers to the clackclackclacking of the rain against the windowpane. i am dreaming in tarnished poetry and rotting hopes, birdbone-wrists locking together, fingers plucking the strings along guitar-ribs. i am loving myself even as i pull apart wishbone-veins, stringing myself out across the carpet to pick out the parts i like best.
and i am the girl wandering the aisles of the book store. i am curling in corners with hemingway, touching the pages like a lover, smelling the ink because i’m the girl who thinks books smell like faith. i’m tucking myself between each syllable, climbing down the commas and resting on the vowels. i am sticking my post-it-note-wishes over the adjectives, waiting for the words to bleed through the page and stain the backside of my skin.
and i am the girl holding her elbows when watching the ocean. i am pulling the stitches closed and wincing against the saltwater on my scars. i am not afraid to look in my opal-reflection, but i’m not ready to face it just yet. because i am the girl building sand castles during high tide, the one running into the waves fully dressed. i am breathing in coral and starfish so that when i come apart, at least my insides will be beautiful.
and, oh, i am the girl throwing kerosene on the stars. i am the one setting the moon on fire. i am tearing apart the dictionary because none of the definitions work, ripping up words to create a collage of meanings that aren’t worth a thing. i am swallowing bullets and spitting out machine-gun-rounds, tearing off my skin because i swear it’s too tight. i am running with nothing but moonbeams, laughing with nothing but sarcasm, hating with nothing but empathy and losing with nothing but pride.
because:
i’m the girl that’s a messy dreamer.
i’m the girl that’s a mess.
i'm the girl that's--
but i want to know you!
because you are keeping my legs from folding.
because when i am tired, i am leaning on you, when i sad, i am crawling into your comfort. because you are hooking my lips and pulling them into a smile, building a fire in the belly of my soul and warming me from the inside out.
because when i am lost, you are pointing in the right direction, when i am shaking, you’re holding my hand and whispering it will be alright.
and because when i’m incoherent you’re closing your eyes and saying my rambling sounds a little like a creek. because when i’m jumping from thought to thought without leaving a trail, you’re laughing and calling it hopscotch, never missing a beat.
i am the girl falling asleep headfirst on top of the covers to the clackclackclacking of the rain against the windowpane. i am dreaming in tarnished poetry and rotting hopes, birdbone-wrists locking together, fingers plucking the strings along guitar-ribs. i am loving myself even as i pull apart wishbone-veins, stringing myself out across the carpet to pick out the parts i like best.
and i am the girl wandering the aisles of the book store. i am curling in corners with hemingway, touching the pages like a lover, smelling the ink because i’m the girl who thinks books smell like faith. i’m tucking myself between each syllable, climbing down the commas and resting on the vowels. i am sticking my post-it-note-wishes over the adjectives, waiting for the words to bleed through the page and stain the backside of my skin.
and i am the girl holding her elbows when watching the ocean. i am pulling the stitches closed and wincing against the saltwater on my scars. i am not afraid to look in my opal-reflection, but i’m not ready to face it just yet. because i am the girl building sand castles during high tide, the one running into the waves fully dressed. i am breathing in coral and starfish so that when i come apart, at least my insides will be beautiful.
and, oh, i am the girl throwing kerosene on the stars. i am the one setting the moon on fire. i am tearing apart the dictionary because none of the definitions work, ripping up words to create a collage of meanings that aren’t worth a thing. i am swallowing bullets and spitting out machine-gun-rounds, tearing off my skin because i swear it’s too tight. i am running with nothing but moonbeams, laughing with nothing but sarcasm, hating with nothing but empathy and losing with nothing but pride.
because:
i’m the girl that’s a messy dreamer.
i’m the girl that’s a mess.
i'm the girl that's--
but i want to know you!
because you are keeping my legs from folding.
because when i am tired, i am leaning on you, when i sad, i am crawling into your comfort. because you are hooking my lips and pulling them into a smile, building a fire in the belly of my soul and warming me from the inside out.
because when i am lost, you are pointing in the right direction, when i am shaking, you’re holding my hand and whispering it will be alright.
and because when i’m incoherent you’re closing your eyes and saying my rambling sounds a little like a creek. because when i’m jumping from thought to thought without leaving a trail, you’re laughing and calling it hopscotch, never missing a beat.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Speak to me in the light of the dawn -glowing radience
........
& it's life & it's steps & it's heart wrenching heart breaking heart achingly
BEAUTIFUL
These past few weeks I've grown and learnt and loved and been hurt and picked up and spun around and broken and wept and glowed and healed and held in him and told “just hush”.
In icecream fairy lanterns early summer spring rain salt tears radiance disappointment bible passages C.S Lewis new leaves seaglass Shakespeare & hugs.
When old pain becomes new beginnings. When old love becomes healing. When strength becomes revival.
[Becoming Bee.]
“and you bite your tongue and you clench your fists and you feel the tears forming and u keep walking without daring to turn around....
because its dark and raining and your future is beside you....you just let him walk by though you never get to see him.
and he means nothing to your future,
he kept walking in silence and you kept walking screaming inside how ITS ALL FOR THE BEST!!!! ITS MEANT TO BE LIKE THIS! ITS WORTH THE PAIN!!!
and you tell yourself it wasn't him and you wont even try and pretend it doesn't matter coz oh man does it matter to you!
but that's a step forward and an acknowledgement that things are better left unsaid because you're both still alive and time has passed between you that you
cant get back.
and you want to throw your arms around him and hug him and show him everything that you are in this darkness but that would do no good.
and you want to cry but you're not down and out by any means-just different.
and you just want to run until you collapse and its all a dream but its not.”
When he walked I thought that was it and our separate ways was the right way to go and stay.
But God gave us second chances.
& I missed our friendship. & we fought side by side & I'm so so very proud of all we've done & all we've become, together & apart.
So when you leave keep it in you. So when you take your path & I take mine remember the lessons & remember the good times & don't just let me go.
& she seems to think I don't love her like I love the others but babe. Jesska babe.
Without you these last few weeks would never had been worth the pain.
& that means the whole world to me that you were there always & forever. Jus like bestfriends should be.
I don't always agree with you but i've been there and know the feelings. & sweetheart I love watchin ya grow so don't stunt it k? haha
& things with sunshine are hard hard hard and hurt and tear and rip me up. & I came close so close to saying ENOUGH to saying I CAN NOT handle it any more!
Had my hand on the door and was ready just to [walk] out.
But you have your hand only my shoulder and a light in your eyes that should be a warning but just makes me want to hold you.
& It's my turn, always & forever. Cos I can handle it. And if my love is as real as I know then it will come around again when it's ready & so I'm not mad like I probably should be. & I hope desperately one day you will turn to me and say “I understand. I get why you fought tooth and nail I get why you held on. Cos it IS beyond real.”
The steps I have taken have left you behind me in the dust. & I feel confident and happy and brave and strong, but fragile and lonely and tentative. I'm walking with head held high BREATHLESS.
Because I don't want to be [stagnant] or [settled]
Because the world him and I dream up is real real real and we can make it ours.
& I'll walk with both arms outstretched, waiting for [them] and I know in time they will find their ways back to me and to the place I'm at.
But right now I can't wait for anybody. I'm on the move and I'm growing step after beautiful bitter-sweet step.
Finally I'm walking without support. Finally my baby steps are confident strides.
Towards a future of infinite possibility
& it's life & it's steps & it's heart wrenching heart breaking heart achingly
BEAUTIFUL
These past few weeks I've grown and learnt and loved and been hurt and picked up and spun around and broken and wept and glowed and healed and held in him and told “just hush”.
In icecream fairy lanterns early summer spring rain salt tears radiance disappointment bible passages C.S Lewis new leaves seaglass Shakespeare & hugs.
When old pain becomes new beginnings. When old love becomes healing. When strength becomes revival.
[Becoming Bee.]
“and you bite your tongue and you clench your fists and you feel the tears forming and u keep walking without daring to turn around....
because its dark and raining and your future is beside you....you just let him walk by though you never get to see him.
and he means nothing to your future,
he kept walking in silence and you kept walking screaming inside how ITS ALL FOR THE BEST!!!! ITS MEANT TO BE LIKE THIS! ITS WORTH THE PAIN!!!
and you tell yourself it wasn't him and you wont even try and pretend it doesn't matter coz oh man does it matter to you!
but that's a step forward and an acknowledgement that things are better left unsaid because you're both still alive and time has passed between you that you
cant get back.
and you want to throw your arms around him and hug him and show him everything that you are in this darkness but that would do no good.
and you want to cry but you're not down and out by any means-just different.
and you just want to run until you collapse and its all a dream but its not.”
When he walked I thought that was it and our separate ways was the right way to go and stay.
But God gave us second chances.
& I missed our friendship. & we fought side by side & I'm so so very proud of all we've done & all we've become, together & apart.
So when you leave keep it in you. So when you take your path & I take mine remember the lessons & remember the good times & don't just let me go.
& she seems to think I don't love her like I love the others but babe. Jesska babe.
Without you these last few weeks would never had been worth the pain.
& that means the whole world to me that you were there always & forever. Jus like bestfriends should be.
I don't always agree with you but i've been there and know the feelings. & sweetheart I love watchin ya grow so don't stunt it k? haha
& things with sunshine are hard hard hard and hurt and tear and rip me up. & I came close so close to saying ENOUGH to saying I CAN NOT handle it any more!
Had my hand on the door and was ready just to [walk] out.
But you have your hand only my shoulder and a light in your eyes that should be a warning but just makes me want to hold you.
& It's my turn, always & forever. Cos I can handle it. And if my love is as real as I know then it will come around again when it's ready & so I'm not mad like I probably should be. & I hope desperately one day you will turn to me and say “I understand. I get why you fought tooth and nail I get why you held on. Cos it IS beyond real.”
The steps I have taken have left you behind me in the dust. & I feel confident and happy and brave and strong, but fragile and lonely and tentative. I'm walking with head held high BREATHLESS.
Because I don't want to be [stagnant] or [settled]
Because the world him and I dream up is real real real and we can make it ours.
& I'll walk with both arms outstretched, waiting for [them] and I know in time they will find their ways back to me and to the place I'm at.
But right now I can't wait for anybody. I'm on the move and I'm growing step after beautiful bitter-sweet step.
Finally I'm walking without support. Finally my baby steps are confident strides.
Towards a future of infinite possibility
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
her tears like diamonds on the floor
........
Today we watched a movie on car crashes.. and all the bells were ringing and all the pictures were unfurling in me.
And I couldn't breath so I put my head down and shut it out and tried hard not to loose it.
& it ended after what seemed like forever.
I walked out put in my headphones and waited.
For anything.
And when something came.. it wasn't what I needed. It was more of what I've been getting.
More pain, and hurt, and bitchiness and selfishness and more of this new person. Who never was and can't be, the person I know and love.
So who are you? Cos your not my sunshine..
I've been asked before why I say that. There has been times when my world has seemed dark.
And there's a few people who would come in with their bright smiles and love and laughter who could just make me feel great. Mostly you. And the darkness would fade away..
[like my own personal sunshine]
But you don't seem to care. Cos all you were and you we are now.. is breaking my heart.
You say you don't see it. You tell our oldest friends that I pushed you into it? How could I ever force you to like him.. it doesn't make sense.
And it's made out like its all just tension and rudeness but I don't think you see how much your breaking me.
Cos I can't hardly sleep (more then usual) and I was getting better with that.
Cos I can't breath cos you're like this.
And I'm one more personal attack from falling apart and I'm a few steps closer to walking away from you and I.
& i'm not playing the “my problems are bigger then yours” card cos that's stupid and petty and wrong, and everyone has a story, a lesson they've learned and a low...which i think is highly respectable....and everyone is important....so why try and make your story more important by fabricating it?? ...any hurt is a big thing....no one should underestimate that....
But a boy was never a good enough excuse with me.. so why is it with you?
Why are you allowed to treat me like this, because “there's stuff going on”
& babe plenty of stuff has gone down and i've never felt the need to take it out on you.
But what hurts the most. When I say I think you've compromised your morals & tell you how that hurts me, and you use the words “i don't care about anything else what have I done where i've done that?” so essentially you care more about accusations, therefore what people see and hear about you, then how you make your friends feel.
&thats just fucked up.
So when I break and don't come to class and sit outside cos I just-dont-think-i-can-breath-right-now.
So when I'm lost and insecure cos the one person I trusted with all my heart and one of the two people I love most in the world and the one I thought would never do this.. goes right ahead and does it without a second thought.
.. so when she can't even look at me..
where will this end?
The pain that never hides,
A reflection from inside
She conceals the message, buries her head,
Tells herself she's fine
Today we watched a movie on car crashes.. and all the bells were ringing and all the pictures were unfurling in me.
And I couldn't breath so I put my head down and shut it out and tried hard not to loose it.
& it ended after what seemed like forever.
I walked out put in my headphones and waited.
For anything.
And when something came.. it wasn't what I needed. It was more of what I've been getting.
More pain, and hurt, and bitchiness and selfishness and more of this new person. Who never was and can't be, the person I know and love.
So who are you? Cos your not my sunshine..
I've been asked before why I say that. There has been times when my world has seemed dark.
And there's a few people who would come in with their bright smiles and love and laughter who could just make me feel great. Mostly you. And the darkness would fade away..
[like my own personal sunshine]
But you don't seem to care. Cos all you were and you we are now.. is breaking my heart.
You say you don't see it. You tell our oldest friends that I pushed you into it? How could I ever force you to like him.. it doesn't make sense.
And it's made out like its all just tension and rudeness but I don't think you see how much your breaking me.
Cos I can't hardly sleep (more then usual) and I was getting better with that.
Cos I can't breath cos you're like this.
And I'm one more personal attack from falling apart and I'm a few steps closer to walking away from you and I.
& i'm not playing the “my problems are bigger then yours” card cos that's stupid and petty and wrong, and everyone has a story, a lesson they've learned and a low...which i think is highly respectable....and everyone is important....so why try and make your story more important by fabricating it?? ...any hurt is a big thing....no one should underestimate that....
But a boy was never a good enough excuse with me.. so why is it with you?
Why are you allowed to treat me like this, because “there's stuff going on”
& babe plenty of stuff has gone down and i've never felt the need to take it out on you.
But what hurts the most. When I say I think you've compromised your morals & tell you how that hurts me, and you use the words “i don't care about anything else what have I done where i've done that?” so essentially you care more about accusations, therefore what people see and hear about you, then how you make your friends feel.
&thats just fucked up.
So when I break and don't come to class and sit outside cos I just-dont-think-i-can-breath-right-now.
So when I'm lost and insecure cos the one person I trusted with all my heart and one of the two people I love most in the world and the one I thought would never do this.. goes right ahead and does it without a second thought.
.. so when she can't even look at me..
where will this end?
The pain that never hides,
A reflection from inside
She conceals the message, buries her head,
Tells herself she's fine
Saturday, August 22, 2009
moments in time - i wrap myself in words
On Granite Beach, the early sun in its empty sky flies over our white winter skin.
Sea-salt is at home in our hair and on our tongues and the opaque blue of oxygen is sweet in our lungs: the rocks are hot on our worn feet.
Perched high above, she lends me a helping hand and I take it, and we sit side-by-side with the cliff soaring at our backs and the waves tumbling below our toes. We speak of deepwater things in open tones: fingers curl, knees knock and our eyes meet and sparkle to tell silent secret jokes.
Watching her smile and feeling like I’ll never fall (for it’s so high up here and I’m so afraid of heights: but her arms are strong and quick and she’s watching out for me) I conclude for the thousandth time that she is my best friend,
For always.
........
-
There’s a frost stiffening the grass outside while the cold moon watches on indifferently, but with you curled against me I am warm. You smell to me like coconut; you breathe quietly and those long lashes brush your sleeping cheek. I realise how much I’ve missed you.
........
When I reach to touch your lips you open your eyes (a gentle colour I cannot name) and your fingers curl around my toes. You let me kiss you as your eyes fall closed and your kiss drowsily, clumsily, back. You bury your tired face in my belly and I let you doze as the icy stars wink outside and dawn creeps slowly closer.
Knowing that I will not sleep, you entwine those strong arms around me for comfort.
But all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade..
........
-
Instead of simply passing (for I’m always in a rush to be somewhere I’m not) I stop to stand beside her. In the way I always used to, I rest my face against her shoulder.
I miss you.
The moment is acknowledged with a kind of indifference and we move on and apart.
........
-
In the tiny coves and miniature islands, in the edge of the water, moonlight catches in pools of silver. The water glows with full moons light as a slight breeze sends celestial waves of glitter across the surface. Three hearts in a moment, three voices drift across water as one. And our song plays on and on.
In tender words of deepest care we cast off chains rusted over our souls.
And for one night. The stars lend an ear to our heartfelt whispers.
-
I’ve waited too long for you.
We’ve sat in silent solitude for days, for weeks, for months.
There was a short time, a jumbled collection of fleeting moments (all in shy touches and eyes held too long) that you saw me for more than I am. A short time when you may have needed me as I need you.
But I have spent so long trying to fade into the background that I’ve forgotten how to be seen. Your interests move to other things other people and I am left hanging on.
Inside I am sore; outside I am angry; old habits arise and regret ensues.
But now I’m tired of your nonchalance, for I know deep down that I am more deserving.
Watch me turn my back on you and my gaze flicker to newer horizons.
I’ll not let myself break for you.
Sea-salt is at home in our hair and on our tongues and the opaque blue of oxygen is sweet in our lungs: the rocks are hot on our worn feet.
Perched high above, she lends me a helping hand and I take it, and we sit side-by-side with the cliff soaring at our backs and the waves tumbling below our toes. We speak of deepwater things in open tones: fingers curl, knees knock and our eyes meet and sparkle to tell silent secret jokes.
Watching her smile and feeling like I’ll never fall (for it’s so high up here and I’m so afraid of heights: but her arms are strong and quick and she’s watching out for me) I conclude for the thousandth time that she is my best friend,
For always.
........
-
There’s a frost stiffening the grass outside while the cold moon watches on indifferently, but with you curled against me I am warm. You smell to me like coconut; you breathe quietly and those long lashes brush your sleeping cheek. I realise how much I’ve missed you.
........
When I reach to touch your lips you open your eyes (a gentle colour I cannot name) and your fingers curl around my toes. You let me kiss you as your eyes fall closed and your kiss drowsily, clumsily, back. You bury your tired face in my belly and I let you doze as the icy stars wink outside and dawn creeps slowly closer.
Knowing that I will not sleep, you entwine those strong arms around me for comfort.
But all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade..
........
-
Instead of simply passing (for I’m always in a rush to be somewhere I’m not) I stop to stand beside her. In the way I always used to, I rest my face against her shoulder.
I miss you.
The moment is acknowledged with a kind of indifference and we move on and apart.
........
-
In the tiny coves and miniature islands, in the edge of the water, moonlight catches in pools of silver. The water glows with full moons light as a slight breeze sends celestial waves of glitter across the surface. Three hearts in a moment, three voices drift across water as one. And our song plays on and on.
In tender words of deepest care we cast off chains rusted over our souls.
And for one night. The stars lend an ear to our heartfelt whispers.
-
I’ve waited too long for you.
We’ve sat in silent solitude for days, for weeks, for months.
There was a short time, a jumbled collection of fleeting moments (all in shy touches and eyes held too long) that you saw me for more than I am. A short time when you may have needed me as I need you.
But I have spent so long trying to fade into the background that I’ve forgotten how to be seen. Your interests move to other things other people and I am left hanging on.
Inside I am sore; outside I am angry; old habits arise and regret ensues.
But now I’m tired of your nonchalance, for I know deep down that I am more deserving.
Watch me turn my back on you and my gaze flicker to newer horizons.
I’ll not let myself break for you.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Rain falls outside.. I think the sky must know what's happening tonight
It's bitter cold outside
But the sun still shines 'cause we can feel it
Benjamin, you mark the life that was left behind
We see him in your eyes
Yes I'm quiet. No, I haven't spoken much. Yes there is a reason. I'm sorry I don't always know it. Sometimes I just get sad, sometimes I just get quiet, sometimes I just feel lonely. Understandable? I think so. Maybe you don't.
You think it means I don't trust you with the reason. What reason? Why should it mean that? Is there a reason I shouldn't trust you now. It feels like it. You haven't been honest. I think you know.
I cannot be your reason, I will not be your easy way out. Step up. Grow up. This isn't a game. I've stepped in because you have not even noticed the results of your actions.
You think this is me jealous? Baby I don't care. I've never cared. I expected nothing. I was just so damn happy to get my friend back. & yet that doesn't appear to want to last long anyway. Why the suspicious? Why the angry? Why the bitter? You don't understand. You ask me “who's fault is that?” well ask yourself that same Q. cos I'm not giving you ALL the answers.
You know me. You should be able to work this one out. If you can't.. then i'm just not sure where that leaves us sunshine.-
And we will be friends for a long, long time
So until you can talk, just cry
And know that we will be friends for the rest of our lives
Benjamin- Sanctus Real
But the sun still shines 'cause we can feel it
Benjamin, you mark the life that was left behind
We see him in your eyes
Yes I'm quiet. No, I haven't spoken much. Yes there is a reason. I'm sorry I don't always know it. Sometimes I just get sad, sometimes I just get quiet, sometimes I just feel lonely. Understandable? I think so. Maybe you don't.
You think it means I don't trust you with the reason. What reason? Why should it mean that? Is there a reason I shouldn't trust you now. It feels like it. You haven't been honest. I think you know.
I cannot be your reason, I will not be your easy way out. Step up. Grow up. This isn't a game. I've stepped in because you have not even noticed the results of your actions.
You think this is me jealous? Baby I don't care. I've never cared. I expected nothing. I was just so damn happy to get my friend back. & yet that doesn't appear to want to last long anyway. Why the suspicious? Why the angry? Why the bitter? You don't understand. You ask me “who's fault is that?” well ask yourself that same Q. cos I'm not giving you ALL the answers.
You know me. You should be able to work this one out. If you can't.. then i'm just not sure where that leaves us sunshine.-
And we will be friends for a long, long time
So until you can talk, just cry
And know that we will be friends for the rest of our lives
Benjamin- Sanctus Real
Sunday, June 28, 2009
i'm breaking i'm breaking
........
The ash fault beneath us streams by as the sordid rubber grips and spins..
there's music in the speakers but I wasn't listening.
I know it would be one of “our” songs. One of the many that bring us to laughter and send us into memories.
Your not looking at me again. And I know something is wrong. I wont ask. I'll wait and let you take your small steps towards telling me. Because you like it that way.
And that news. When you finally gave it. Brought our little world in our beaten corolla on our middle-of-nowhere roads, crashing around us.
Nothing bad. Oh no. but something different.. and things had to change now.
Your eyes were telling me things your lips weren't willing to spill. And I knew this was it.
When we were little we'd light a candle on new years. To signify our friendship burning on.
2008 we didn't. 2009 we didn't.
I didn't know how you had become this.. self centred, egotistic, stranger.
We were close once. I leaned on you and you leaned on me. And all the things you said hadn't mattered then because I knew you never meant a word.
Then I wasn't so sure.
In two weeks you've come back to us.
Friday you smiled, poked out your tongue and laughed. Three things your mouth had all but forgotten to do.
Sunday you hugged me when no one else came. You told me it would be alright, and I marvelled that things were changing so fast yet again.
Thursday you were willing to call at a moments notice, I didn't even have to ask. Who are you now?
Your back. I hope. But I don't know.
Just as I was going to leave..
So here's the Q. can I make myself walk away from the one thing id longed for so many times? The return of my friend? Well I have time now..
I'm walking on eggshells with you, my tongue firmly held between my teeth. And I'm breathing hard in anticipation of what you might do next.
But I already know don't I?
You'll walk by my side neither closer nor further away. Arm outstretched and let me take my tiny steps back to you. Because I like it that way.
Now that your back I guess I can't go. I've gone for escape and was snatched back by the scruff of my neck. And it was you who did it again. It's always been you.
I don't think I mind any more..
The ash fault beneath us streams by as the sordid rubber grips and spins..
there's music in the speakers but I wasn't listening.
I know it would be one of “our” songs. One of the many that bring us to laughter and send us into memories.
Your not looking at me again. And I know something is wrong. I wont ask. I'll wait and let you take your small steps towards telling me. Because you like it that way.
And that news. When you finally gave it. Brought our little world in our beaten corolla on our middle-of-nowhere roads, crashing around us.
Nothing bad. Oh no. but something different.. and things had to change now.
Your eyes were telling me things your lips weren't willing to spill. And I knew this was it.
When we were little we'd light a candle on new years. To signify our friendship burning on.
2008 we didn't. 2009 we didn't.
I didn't know how you had become this.. self centred, egotistic, stranger.
We were close once. I leaned on you and you leaned on me. And all the things you said hadn't mattered then because I knew you never meant a word.
Then I wasn't so sure.
In two weeks you've come back to us.
Friday you smiled, poked out your tongue and laughed. Three things your mouth had all but forgotten to do.
Sunday you hugged me when no one else came. You told me it would be alright, and I marvelled that things were changing so fast yet again.
Thursday you were willing to call at a moments notice, I didn't even have to ask. Who are you now?
Your back. I hope. But I don't know.
Just as I was going to leave..
So here's the Q. can I make myself walk away from the one thing id longed for so many times? The return of my friend? Well I have time now..
I'm walking on eggshells with you, my tongue firmly held between my teeth. And I'm breathing hard in anticipation of what you might do next.
But I already know don't I?
You'll walk by my side neither closer nor further away. Arm outstretched and let me take my tiny steps back to you. Because I like it that way.
Now that your back I guess I can't go. I've gone for escape and was snatched back by the scruff of my neck. And it was you who did it again. It's always been you.
I don't think I mind any more..
Sunday, June 7, 2009
who am i to say?
& so here we go again.
Every once in a while. You and I, we restart our cycle.
This time its only me.
I sit alone on the rooftops, without you. Only the stars and the one street lamp for company. And the heaviness you left behind you in the air.. its fragile, this peace I keep seeking. The whole empty space stretched above me, no longer filled with your heartbeats and our laughter..
fragile..
so easily broken.
I feel a bit like that sometimes. Like tonight, I whisper as if a loud noise will shatter this.. us.
.. turning to my side and not finding you there.. and I never feel so alone.
Its funny how one night can change the world.. we walked streets I didn't know, not my pambula beach.. nor your long empty middle of nowhere..
and I was scared.. because even surrounded by them.. I was alone..
when the only warmth is our misty breath and rubbed palms. When we put our arms around us and each other and sing away the numbness, when the stars and the full moon light the gravel road and the neighbours dogs start to bark. You'll find me there.
When the dizziness is elation instead of alcohol, and the whispers are joy not pain, there, you'll find me.
& when the place of return is not the place of regret, when the music is ours and the night is ours and the stars are welcoming not lonely. When the cold bite and wet grass, when the stumbles and bare feet are familiar again.. ill find you.
Seven days, one week.. 14 th june..
I spin you pretty words and the world looks on.. and judges me.
I hope you remember me like I remember you..
Every once in a while. You and I, we restart our cycle.
This time its only me.
I sit alone on the rooftops, without you. Only the stars and the one street lamp for company. And the heaviness you left behind you in the air.. its fragile, this peace I keep seeking. The whole empty space stretched above me, no longer filled with your heartbeats and our laughter..
fragile..
so easily broken.
I feel a bit like that sometimes. Like tonight, I whisper as if a loud noise will shatter this.. us.
.. turning to my side and not finding you there.. and I never feel so alone.
Its funny how one night can change the world.. we walked streets I didn't know, not my pambula beach.. nor your long empty middle of nowhere..
and I was scared.. because even surrounded by them.. I was alone..
when the only warmth is our misty breath and rubbed palms. When we put our arms around us and each other and sing away the numbness, when the stars and the full moon light the gravel road and the neighbours dogs start to bark. You'll find me there.
When the dizziness is elation instead of alcohol, and the whispers are joy not pain, there, you'll find me.
& when the place of return is not the place of regret, when the music is ours and the night is ours and the stars are welcoming not lonely. When the cold bite and wet grass, when the stumbles and bare feet are familiar again.. ill find you.
Seven days, one week.. 14 th june..
I spin you pretty words and the world looks on.. and judges me.
I hope you remember me like I remember you..
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
stars and sunshine
Give me a million nights like this one
I stood today in front of a room of people whom I didn't know and who didn't know me, my familiar face was my sunshine in a room of strangers.
People I speak to people I turn to but people who will never understand me. I stood today surrounded by people but alone and I handed them a piece of my heart.
I looked at the sheet of words and my mind screamed FAKE. So I stood up straighter and in my shaky voice I winged it. And I think some of the right words came out.
I stood tonight on the edge of our concrete. Her heart and mind held on this landing holding us above the tides. Our whole lives it was always her and I. The lake before us and the sky full of clouds, the stars making fleeting appearances and we spilled our hearts and minds over peanut butter toast and green apples.
She asked me what he was like and I gushed, I told her stories of our laughs and our love and our spilt coffee midnight drives. And I realized you could never never be dead to me.
We shivered and huddled on our little island and whispered about the world around us, our music echoing on the water.
We ask ourself do we know what love is?
Our thoughts drift to darker subjects and our vocabulary restricts to “i just don't know”
He doesn't understand, maybe he never will. Maybe I'm kidding myself maybe that's what love is, just telling each other and not understanding but caring anyway. Maybe I'm lost again. But I've never felt more found.
The step I'll take means all these different things but what is it to me?
Maybe it's being me that counts. Maybe I can be a fuck up. Maybe that's how I'll glorify god, by living, by being happy, by doing things to make things work. Maybe people will see me and smile because I'll shine, my music my love my life my god my feet taking me places I never would have gone. Maybe I'll still fuck up maybe I'll still be depressed sometimes but just maybe this time I'll make it work... fuck ups and all.
We walk up our road and the stars claim victory to the clouds and a song plays in our hearts the melody sighing over the frozen ashfault.
Our minds are far above us in a sky of frigid empty air and sparks of freedom, and our hearts are right here walking together towards the fairy lights of my driveway singing this song with all the world in our hands..
God give me a million nights like this, where our souls are lifted and brushed of the dust, when our love is shining in our eyes and if every night is like this we wont be brought down by the weight of the world..
Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.
And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Everything - Lifehouse.
I stood today in front of a room of people whom I didn't know and who didn't know me, my familiar face was my sunshine in a room of strangers.
People I speak to people I turn to but people who will never understand me. I stood today surrounded by people but alone and I handed them a piece of my heart.
I looked at the sheet of words and my mind screamed FAKE. So I stood up straighter and in my shaky voice I winged it. And I think some of the right words came out.
I stood tonight on the edge of our concrete. Her heart and mind held on this landing holding us above the tides. Our whole lives it was always her and I. The lake before us and the sky full of clouds, the stars making fleeting appearances and we spilled our hearts and minds over peanut butter toast and green apples.
She asked me what he was like and I gushed, I told her stories of our laughs and our love and our spilt coffee midnight drives. And I realized you could never never be dead to me.
We shivered and huddled on our little island and whispered about the world around us, our music echoing on the water.
We ask ourself do we know what love is?
Our thoughts drift to darker subjects and our vocabulary restricts to “i just don't know”
He doesn't understand, maybe he never will. Maybe I'm kidding myself maybe that's what love is, just telling each other and not understanding but caring anyway. Maybe I'm lost again. But I've never felt more found.
The step I'll take means all these different things but what is it to me?
Maybe it's being me that counts. Maybe I can be a fuck up. Maybe that's how I'll glorify god, by living, by being happy, by doing things to make things work. Maybe people will see me and smile because I'll shine, my music my love my life my god my feet taking me places I never would have gone. Maybe I'll still fuck up maybe I'll still be depressed sometimes but just maybe this time I'll make it work... fuck ups and all.
We walk up our road and the stars claim victory to the clouds and a song plays in our hearts the melody sighing over the frozen ashfault.
Our minds are far above us in a sky of frigid empty air and sparks of freedom, and our hearts are right here walking together towards the fairy lights of my driveway singing this song with all the world in our hands..
God give me a million nights like this, where our souls are lifted and brushed of the dust, when our love is shining in our eyes and if every night is like this we wont be brought down by the weight of the world..
Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.
And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Everything - Lifehouse.
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