her tears like diamonds on the floor

........
Today we watched a movie on car crashes.. and all the bells were ringing and all the pictures were unfurling in me.
And I couldn't breath so I put my head down and shut it out and tried hard not to loose it.
& it ended after what seemed like forever.
I walked out put in my headphones and waited.

For anything.

And when something came.. it wasn't what I needed. It was more of what I've been getting.
More pain, and hurt, and bitchiness and selfishness and more of this new person. Who never was and can't be, the person I know and love.

So who are you? Cos your not my sunshine..

I've been asked before why I say that. There has been times when my world has seemed dark.
And there's a few people who would come in with their bright smiles and love and laughter who could just make me feel great. Mostly you. And the darkness would fade away..

[like my own personal sunshine]

But you don't seem to care. Cos all you were and you we are now.. is breaking my heart.
You say you don't see it. You tell our oldest friends that I pushed you into it? How could I ever force you to like him.. it doesn't make sense.

And it's made out like its all just tension and rudeness but I don't think you see how much your breaking me.
Cos I can't hardly sleep (more then usual) and I was getting better with that.
Cos I can't breath cos you're like this.
And I'm one more personal attack from falling apart and I'm a few steps closer to walking away from you and I.

& i'm not playing the “my problems are bigger then yours” card cos that's stupid and petty and wrong, and everyone has a story, a lesson they've learned and a low...which i think is highly respectable....and everyone is important....so why try and make your story more important by fabricating it?? ...any hurt is a big thing....no one should underestimate that....
But a boy was never a good enough excuse with me.. so why is it with you?
Why are you allowed to treat me like this, because “there's stuff going on”
& babe plenty of stuff has gone down and i've never felt the need to take it out on you.

But what hurts the most. When I say I think you've compromised your morals & tell you how that hurts me, and you use the words “i don't care about anything else what have I done where i've done that?” so essentially you care more about accusations, therefore what people see and hear about you, then how you make your friends feel.
&thats just fucked up.

So when I break and don't come to class and sit outside cos I just-dont-think-i-can-breath-right-now.
So when I'm lost and insecure cos the one person I trusted with all my heart and one of the two people I love most in the world and the one I thought would never do this.. goes right ahead and does it without a second thought.
.. so when she can't even look at me..

where will this end?



The pain that never hides,
A reflection from inside
She conceals the message, buries her head,
Tells herself she's fine