all is nothing.. without you

father, you know who i am

i am the girl falling asleep headfirst on top of the covers to the clackclackclacking of the rain against the windowpane. i am dreaming in tarnished poetry and rotting hopes, birdbone-wrists locking together, fingers plucking the strings along guitar-ribs. i am loving myself even as i pull apart wishbone-veins, stringing myself out across the carpet to pick out the parts i like best.

and i am the girl wandering the aisles of the book store. i am curling in corners with hemingway, touching the pages like a lover, smelling the ink because i’m the girl who thinks books smell like faith. i’m tucking myself between each syllable, climbing down the commas and resting on the vowels. i am sticking my post-it-note-wishes over the adjectives, waiting for the words to bleed through the page and stain the backside of my skin.

and i am the girl holding her elbows when watching the ocean. i am pulling the stitches closed and wincing against the saltwater on my scars. i am not afraid to look in my opal-reflection, but i’m not ready to face it just yet. because i am the girl building sand castles during high tide, the one running into the waves fully dressed. i am breathing in coral and starfish so that when i come apart, at least my insides will be beautiful.

and, oh, i am the girl throwing kerosene on the stars. i am the one setting the moon on fire. i am tearing apart the dictionary because none of the definitions work, ripping up words to create a collage of meanings that aren’t worth a thing. i am swallowing bullets and spitting out machine-gun-rounds, tearing off my skin because i swear it’s too tight. i am running with nothing but moonbeams, laughing with nothing but sarcasm, hating with nothing but empathy and losing with nothing but pride.
because:
i’m the girl that’s a messy dreamer.
i’m the girl that’s a mess.
i'm the girl that's--

but i want to know you!

because you are keeping my legs from folding.

because when i am tired, i am leaning on you, when i sad, i am crawling into your comfort. because you are hooking my lips and pulling them into a smile, building a fire in the belly of my soul and warming me from the inside out.

because when i am lost, you are pointing in the right direction, when i am shaking, you’re holding my hand and whispering it will be alright.

and because when i’m incoherent you’re closing your eyes and saying my rambling sounds a little like a creek. because when i’m jumping from thought to thought without leaving a trail, you’re laughing and calling it hopscotch, never missing a beat.