when i live

last night I was sleeping in paddocks, watching stars collide and praying until my heart got sore.
You know how when you cry enough your eyes ache? And when you shake enough your mucles ache? Well when your praying and crying and shaking your heart aches.
But thats okay.

Because I'm real. Baby I am real.

I've learnt three new things about myself.

I cannot eat sleep or make sense when I'm stressed.
I run, when things get to much I stop going to school for five days and hide in my room with the lights out the curtains pulled shut and tears in my heart.
I'm a control freak. Not the oh noes that thing must go there kind, but the, dammit if im going down im going down in style kind.
Because I think if I can't dictate what happens in my life, it freaks me out.
Hello basis of all my problems.

If I've got a strangle hold on control then I'm hardly giving all for god.

I'm far from fixed but I'm working on it.

And it would seem I'm working myself back into Bee.
And if you know me well you know what that means. But basically i”m beginning to think it's me when I'm making things work and moving forward and taking steps. And at any other times i may be on the right path but standing there.

So welcome back bee, and say hello to summer. Baby it's my time of year. The time when I'm stronger and brighter and once again baby. I am REAL.




........
i.

i am sleeping in the middle of wheat fields.

i am curled into the soil with the sun filtering through my eyelids and the warmth of the earth pressed against my hip. i am holding my stomach with gentle hands, lips parted to breathe in the sweet air. i am dreaming of feathers running down my spine and of blowing bubbles while running down sloping hills. i am dreaming of kisses at dawn and hands cradling my cheek and laughing over coffee with my best friend.

and when i wake, i am tranquil and serene and peaceful.
and when i wake, i am alive.

ii.

i am swimming in the belly of the ocean.

i am twisting in the clever hands of her currents, my hair roping around my waist and seashells trailing up my thigh. i am swallowing saltwater and rinsing out my lungs, letting my sins filter through my skin and disperse into the curling water. i am breathing through gills around my throat and letting my fingers paint symphonies in the seaweed. i am dancing with starbright scales and forgetting the weight of air.

and when i climb onto the shore, i am light-hearted and joyful and forgiven.
and when i climb onto the shore, i am alive.

iii.

i am running down a moonlit dirt road.

i am drowning in the echo of my bare feet muffled against the ground, the echo of my pulse beating in the air around me. i am shedding my skin as i go, leaving it behind so i can breathe with a newness that is whole and aware and so beautifully complete. i am pitching myself into a wild yonder, smiling until my cheeks hurt, my hair streaming like a proud banner behind me as i go. i am alone but i am not lonely at all.

and when i come to a stop, i am out of breath and out of hate and out of doubts.
and when i come to a stop, i am alive.